DE-MYSTIFYING the DE-MAGNETIZING of RELATIONSHIPS
I’ve had the experience this week of myself, of business associates, and of friends trying to do what I call “de-magnetizing” relationships.
De-magnetizing is essentially taking the “co-” out of co-dependence; taking the “need” out of our interpersonal interactions.
When we de-magnetize our relationships we are neutralizing the unseen force that pulls us to another because they have something that we feel we require at the most basic level for our survival, or because they are doing something that triggers in an unhealthy way at a very basic emotional level.
To do this, one needs to recognize when the relationship is or is not working by understanding whether you are actually in alignment with the other person, or not.
I called this, “tractable or intractable” relationships.
In June I published a three-part series about Tractability in relationships, subtitled “A Spiritual Way to do Business or Social Contracts”. You can read this series here.
How to SPEAK or ACT from your HEART
People want to know — how do I do this from the heart? That is, having a relationship with another person, having interpersonal communication, and communicating with them from your heart, in a heart-based way.
I love this quote about HOW TO KNOW what do DO or SAY when we are faced with a person in a potentially intractable relationship(1) — this is from an article I wrote about how to stay in your heart when the other person maybe isn’t speaking, acting, doing, thinking from theirs:
“Here’s how to check in before you act or speak:
Take ONE SECOND, take TWO,
to put that statement or action you are about to speak or do
in your HEART and see how it feels:
~ If it makes you feel more superficially powerful, and you resist putting the statement in your heart, then it’s FROM YOUR EGO and you’re about to LOCK HORNS.
~ If you put the act or statement in your heart (before you say or do it!), and, for example, you feel that feeling like a yer from now you would still be happy with this behavior,
THEN GO FOR IT
…. if doing the act or saying the words FEELS expansive, loving, if it resonates, if it feels comfortable.”
By checking in with our heart before we speak or act, we are able to REMAIN TRUE TO OURSELVES.
People talk about “letting go”
The thing is that interpersonal relationships, and past dramas, are very emotionally addictive.
We get addicted to being stimulated in the same way, over and over, even if it is an interaction that results in a negative emotion for us and causes us anxiety, worry, frustration, blame, shame, and so on.
The repetitive behavior, in relationships personal or professional, can be unhealthy if you have shifted to heart-based communications and the above set of responses is not working. That is, if we face a person, over and over, and we act or speak with what feels right in our hearts, and that person cannot make a connection back to us.
This lack of connection feels to us like “not trusting” or “anxiety around that person” or “wondering if they get it” or “fooling ourselves that this is working”.
If the situation is not working, even though we are following the rules of heart-based communication, described above, which by the way is healthiest for our emotional states, and probably actually healthiest for our hearts, then sometimes YIELDING the situation, the argument, the lack of understanding, our emotional “stake in it” is the only outcome that allows us to CONTINUE OUR JOURNEY in THE TRUTH OF WHO WE ARE.
Because we know our heart’s desire, and we are fully heart aligned in intention, in spoken word, in action, this really FEELS GOOD…. in our HEART.
When we YIELD in this manner, we are not “giving up” or “giving in”. What we are doing, is removing ourselves from polarity, from the dualism of “I win, you loose”, from the cycles of anger generating fear, and fear generated from anger, from the polarized position of “I need you” instead of “I love you”, or, “fill me up” instead of fulfilling ourselves.
And, you know what? …. what I’ve found is that approach is challenging at first. But, keeping your stance firmly on the ground of the heart, frees up incredible energy, for all concerned. And then…. everybody’s happier.
Gotta love it.
© 2015 Susan V. Lacerra, Inspired Strategies, LLC. All Rights Reserved.