The Moment I Awakened: From Fear and Anger, to Love
This series is about my journey of moving out of unhealthy fear and anger to love. I awakened from having a competitive approach based in fear and anger, to moving to do my work being motivated from within by love.
Unlike most stories involving love, it is a story of making this shift in my work, and in my career. But it started in a very personal way, with realizing the truth of my emotional life.
I Could Not Feel Love in My Heart
I feel that people are wanting more out of their lives. Our lives seem focused on obtaining material goods and on obtaining financial resources to live life.
Ultimately, what we are all yearning for is love, in its various forms.
One day I woke up with the shock of realizing that I could not feel love in my heart, and in fact, I could feel nothing. I could feel happy if I was on the beach having a mai tai. I could feel happy sitting on my deck in the sun. Temporarily. But the deeper meaning in life seemed missing. Along with my feelings.
In this very painful part of my personal journey, after leaving my financial career, my work life focused on supporting my husband in his work. My emotional life had crashed and burned, so that I was in a relationship where love had exited. In a way, this just reflected the fact that I wasn’t able to love myself and that I felt rudderless in my life, and uncertain of my direction.
When I realized I could not feel love, or any positive emotion, very deeply, I also realized that what I could feel was anger, fear, and all of their derivatives: anxiety, worry, frustration, blame, shame, and guilt. The starkness of my inner life was painful to feel. It was the first time I had realized this, consciously.
This was the moment that I awakened to what my inner life was really like. And I could finally see the cause of why I was so unhappy.
Fear and Anger Cannot Produce Happiness
I realized that in my life up to that point, if I was honest, I was motivated by fear and anger. And that is all. I was fearful, and I was angry. And I thought that at some point, I would ‘get through this’, I would have enough money, or enough time, to finally be who I am, and be happy.
But it never worked that way. Because fear and anger do not produce happiness. You can use them to get things, you can use them to fight the good fight. But what they produce is not joy, or love, or contentment, or sane use of resources.
My vision was positive, and so were my dreams of what life could be like. I wanted to help people and have a good life doing this. But I came to the realization that I was using the wrong techniques to achieve my goals. The wrong emotional energy.
Anger and fear create more of the same. Because when you act out of anger or fear, you pass this energy on. And in the great circle of life, they repeatedly come back to you. Until anger and fear are all you can feel. That is where I was at, the moment I awakened.
Can Love be my Motivation?
I wondered if I could be motivated by love. I would have laughed at this concept just a few years earlier. But I was so unhappy, and my analytical mind said that it could work. If anger and fear cannot generate the dream of my happy life, certainly love can. I could construct an analysis that indicated this could be a better way of living. A better way of doing.
Here were the questions I asked:
What if I could feel love in my heart?
What if I could feel love and do my work from this place?
What if I could love my work as much as I loved anything else in my life?
What if I could share what I love and deeply benefit others?
These are the questions that motivated me. Because I wanted the answers to be yes, Susan, you can do that and be successful. Because I could sense that this is actually how life is supposed to be.
It seemed that if I could act from love, then more love would come my way. If I could act from love, then love would be produced in the world. Could I be happy, and successful, in my life and in my work, by choosing to love?
The rest of this series explains my path to love – in my business and my life, because I can feel love, now, and I can feel joy, and I am grateful for the work I do and for this path I have followed.
See the first article in this three part series at here: Awakening: The Steak and the Sizzle
© 2016 Susan V. Lacerra. All Rights Reserved. Permission is given to share this article on other blogs and websites as long as the text is posted in its entirety without alteration and with the accompanying photos (if photos are in the repost), and with the author’s credit, copyright and live website links included in the article. Contact the author at firstname.lastname@example.org. Twitter handle is @SusanInspired.